Tuesday, 5 August 2008

The Wrong Funeral aka one of my most embarrassing moments. EVER!!

One of the things I said on my 'tag' was that I had gone to the wrong funeral. Well some of you have e-mailed me out of curiosity asking me how on Gods green earth this could have happened. So I am baring my shame to you all and will share the story. Pull up a chair, get comfy and have a read - you will probably have never heard anything like it before in your lives (and probably won't again).

What happened is this …. And I swear this is all true (well you couldn’t make it up to be honest!!)

My ex’s dad died – we never really got on that well. Anyway on the morning of the funeral, he (the ex) went over to Liverpool really early to make sure his mum was ok (lovely lady btw). Well he said to me that they were leaving the house at 12.30pm, see you later etc etc and off he went.. So me and my youngest set off later, in good time and although we hit traffic on the way, we arrived at the house at 12.20pm. Only to find that the house bore a strange resemblance to the Marie Celeste.

Well we didn’t know what to do cos we didn’t know where the funeral was. So I am going ‘think Dawny think’ and generally bashing myself on the head a lot in the style of Basil Fawlty. But sadly, nothing (there is still not a lot there now lol xx). So I grabbed a random pedestrian and sort of said ‘excuse me please, do you know where the nearest cemetery is?’ Surprisingly he didn’t run away!!!. He told me the name of it and I sort of then vaguely remembered it from the obituary notice I’d read in the paper. He gave me directions and off we went.

Bearing in mind this is Liverpool and I don’t really know the area, we did really well and found it without too much bother. So we drove through the gates and just kept driving round but all we could see were graves. Of course this isn’t rush hour in the city, so there was a bit of a shortage of alive people to ask for further directions. But eventually we find someone and asked him. He told us that the cemetery was split into 2 – this was the graveyard bit and we needed the crematorium. ‘Fab’ I says, ‘where is it please?’. ‘Over the other side of the road’. What he didn’t say was the road was a ruddy great dual carriage way and getting over it was easier said than done. But no matter, off we went and eventually crossed the road, found the car park and got out.

Well by now my face was puce, my hair was sticking to my head so I looked like an advert for shampoo for greasy hair (the ‘before’ bit of course), and rivers of sweat are running off me so despite the copious amounts of Sure Deodorant that I had put on earlier, it did let me down and quite frankly I must have whiffed a fair bit!!. But never mind all that, I thought, we got here and that’s all that counts. So we see a line of people and in the distance, a hearse making its way slowly up the drive. So I grabbed my poor child (11 at the time - it isn’t a good age to be embarrassed by your dippy mother) and ran up to join this queue of people. Mustering as much dignity as I could manage (which quite frankly by now was not very much) we stood there in respectful silence and waited for the hearse.

As we waited, I looked around and suddenly realised that I didn’t know single soul – not one face!!. I began to get the first fluttering of panic and that sick feeling in my stomach. My eyes were like on stalks and a look of sheer horror crossed my puce face. As calmly and as naturally as I could, I turned to this man standing next to me and asked, this is John Smiths funeral isn’t it. (name changed to protect the dead lol xx). ‘No’ he says, ‘it’s random name random names funeral’ (I cannot remember the name now – the stress has wiped it from my memory bank). OMG we are at the wrong funeral I says to poor Emma who is by now mortified and thoroughly ashamed of me. So I says to him ‘but this is Spring Wood Crematorium isn’t it?’. ‘Oh yes love, but here are 2 here, back to back. Try the other side’. So we ran, nay sprinted round to where he had showed us. The good news was that it WAS the right place. But the BAD news was that it had started. And despite the undertaker saying it was fine, I was too embarrassed to gate crash - it would have been very wrong. And by now I was thinking that as the deceased hadn’t liked me very much, perhaps he was trying to tell me something from beyond the grave. Something along the lines of ‘stay away!’. So we waited outside, shamefaced, and embarrassed.

The family were very good about it and it isn’t why the ex and I split up. He maintained to the day we parted that he had told me 12.15pm, and I maintained that he didn’t!!!. For a long time I couldn’t even think about it without breaking into a cold sweat. But I can laugh about it now.

So now you know. It could only happen to me. Hope you enjoyed my shameful moment xxxx

34 comments:

Heather said...

Hi Dawny,
I'm back, after a computer enforced absence. Love the story - I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets thing dramatically wrong - but this beats any of my recent escapades, I've never yet managed to go to the wrong funeral, though I did turn up at my cousins as it was finishing (I got lost - I'm always getting lost!!)
Love the card below, love that punch.
Heather xxx

Rach said...

oh my, your poor thing...at least you managed to get to the right one in the end though a little late....hugs RAchxx

Jill said...

Dawny I just love the way you explain things you made me laugh you're so funny and I count my blessing to have you as a friend Hugs Jill x

Penny said...

ROFL!! Only you I think!!!

What the heck is that cat and all the arrows???LOL!

De said...

Oh how moritified you must have felt, but it truly is a funny story when you re-tell it! Made me laugh this morning and I needed it!

de
SBS #21 Sistah

Lavender stamper said...

That did make me laugh....sorry but that is the type of thing that happens to me.
I once drove 50+ miles into London for an ABC concert at the Hammersmith odeon, took my seats watched the support act and then somebody decided we were in their seats, me being a bit hot headed in my younger days took out my tickets and showed them the tickets, it wasn't until this had escalated and an usher was called that he discovered I was there a night early.... we all laughed about it in the end, the usher let us sit on the steps & we drove back the following night and sat in our rightful seats and watched the whole concert again.

Lisa
X

Emma said...

Oh my God...I am sat here howling!!! Oh Dawn it could only happen to you!

kath said...

Well you have my sympathy...sorry about the pun....but hey that could happen to anyone...well it could happen to me..my sister and I once had 2 funerals one after the other...can you believe and when we came out of the first one and walked round to the entrance for the second one...I think the guy on the door thought we were professional mourners...how embarrasing.....Hugs Kath xxxxx

Donna said...

rofl...... oh thank you for sharing that story with us, you poor thing and your poor daughter, did she ever forgive you? lol Donna x

Dawn said...

Aww Dawny what are you like!
Me thinks you should take up creative writing - it was so well told and so funny!!!


hugs

Dawn
x

leann said...

Oh Dawny I do loves ya!
I just read your post out to my brother, who {with a look of ponderment} said "Didn't you do that once?"
Thanks for the giggles!
Hugs x

Oh & for the record ~ no, I didn't once go to the wrong funeral. It was a wedding...

KarenB said...

Oh goodness!! Bless your heart!!! I no longer feel alone in this world with stories like this, this is one thing that would have def happened to me!!! Hugs to you!!!

Marieke Vermeulen said...

OOPS! Hi, hi! What a story. I enjoyed reading it, you are a very good story teller!!

BTW, what are all those arrows!! Make sure it isn't something "digi-bad", if you know what I mean!

xxxMarieke

Jilli said...

Dawny, you tell a fab story, had me and the hubby in stitches! I have a few funeral stories (dont we all) but none I'd care to repeat on here, not sure everyone shares my sick sense of humour and perhaps you had to be there to appreciate it! Jillix

Glenda said...

Hi, I think this is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time,(sorry for laughing)It's like something from Benny Hill!!lol

Glenda xx

Pauline C said...

Hi Dawny..
Never vivisted your blog before but your marvellous cards plus this hilarious story mean I'm just gonna have to link to your blog now!! I live in Liverpool and drive past Springwood crem every day ... it's a huge area and I can just imagine the scene! love and hugs!
Pauline x

kerry said...

What a tale!! Got to say that's something I could do quite easily, I have many a 'blonde moment' as I call them.
You should write short stories, cause how you told that was brilliant.....lol!!!
Kerry xxx

MeandLilG said...

Just had to find my inhaler, I laughed so much!! What you like???? Brilliant, mate. Just the sort of thing I would do!! And as for embarrassing your offspring, isn't that what we parents are supposed to do??? xxxxxxx

Beth Gruenke Angel #2906 said...

Wow, this sounds like something that I would do. What a story. You've got to laugh about it now, but at the time I'm sure it was very embarrassing. At least you have a great story you can tell for a long time to come! Made me smile! Beth G. :)

cats whiskers said...

Hi Dawny, welcome back to blogland Honey, and thanks so much for the biggest belly laugh I have had for ages. That is the sort of thing I would do, in fact at the last funeral I went to (my Aunts) I forgot to turn off my mobile and the ring tone is (or was) the laughing policeman and of course it rang right in the middle of the service. Every single person in the chapel of rest turned round with contempt written all over their faces, I have never wanted to disappear so quickly in my life. Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog and although I don't believe I should be bracketed anywhere near Rach I really do appreciate it. Hugs Jacqui x

Pinky said...

Oh that is just TOO Funny girl!! Embarrassing yes and what a day but its the story for the grandkids!

Love to Doodle! said...

Hee...so funny Dawny! I can have moments just like this....the one that sticks in my mind the most is when I asked someone what she did for her 40th....she was only 38! Eeeek.

Love your ballerina card below and hope you're all ok...x

Cindy Haffner said...

What a story indeed, thanks for sharing. Love all your cards.

Enfys said...

Sorry to laugh..........(belly laugh)................hilarious. Almost as good as a friend of mine who is a church minister and the first funeral she ever went to, she went early to the crem. and they showed her which buttons to use to 'dispatch the coffin'. When the time came, she pressed and nothing happened, so she pressed again and the coffin glided away - then came back again!

Cheryl said...

Hi Dawny...I tohave had trouble with blogger and could not leave messages...

Just had to come back and say how funny that is......I didn't stop laughing from start to finish...fab piece of entertainment.....

Have a great weekend....loads of love xxx

Dawn said...

Glad to see you back in Blogland Dawny - wondered where my fun friend had gone!!
Have an award for you and too true it is as well!!

Have a great weekend


Hugs

Dawn
xx

Kimberley said...

I am sorry for your embarrassment but it does make for a very very funny story!

I know what it feels like when you go to a funeral - not being a regular event (thankfully)- you stress and doubt yourself about being in the right place and panic until you see a face you know.

Anyway, once again it was very very funny!

Beth said...

Ha ha! That is so funny! (maybe not at the time!) Thanks for sharing! xx

traciejane said...

HI Dawny, hope your well hun and having a good weekend. There's a little something for you on my blog.
hugs :)x

Enfys said...

Hi Dawny, just wanted to add, there is blog candy up for grabs on my blog, take a look x

Jill said...

Hi Dawny, there an award waiting got you at my blog hun Jill x

Sue said...

lol...what are ya like...lol

Thought it was only me who did things like that..lol

Sue
xx

steph said...

Hi Dawny - I've left you something on me blog! x

Ramsey said...

Great story!!! I love knowing I'm not the only one in the world that does things like this!

Ramsey
SBS #21 Sistah